I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
