how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
