Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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