I feel like abortions should bother me more
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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