I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
