Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
