I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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