You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
