you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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