You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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