Im at strip club and am horny
i may or may not be watching the land before time
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
