i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
