i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
