Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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