I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
