Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize