Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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