I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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