i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
