I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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