i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
