Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
