i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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