i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
