i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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