I got chris browned last night
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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