You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
