Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
