it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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