I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Randomize
