He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
