Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
