the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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