I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
