I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
