wat bout pragnant strippers??
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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