Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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