By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
