Who did Billy Mays play for?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
