I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
