the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
