So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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