I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
