No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
