got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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