oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
