My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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