I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
