I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have post one night stand depression
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