so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just invented taco cereal.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
