Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
