the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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