Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
