Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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