i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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