I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
