The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
