A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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