so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
