I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
