if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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