All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize