my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
