there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
